Pinterest can light a crafty fire under anyone’s ass.
Don’t know what to do with all those spare tires strewn about your yard? Pinterest knows!
Need a new headboard but you only have some old wine-corks and a roll of duct tape? No problem!
Want to decorate your house using only paint samples and crap from the street? Sounds good!
Yes, Pinterest is the mecca for home decor tips and artsy fartsy fun. It can be a great resource for someone who is looking to build a greenhouse out of recycled pallets and a hobo’s stolen tarp, but it is also home to disastrous ideas that can only end with a priority story on the 10 o’clock news. So take caution, friends. I wish I would have.
You see, I am a crafty-ass bitch. So naturally, I flock to Pinterest like it’s Tom Hiddleston holding a month’s supply of Toaster Strudels. Most of the time this is great because I enjoy “upcycling” old furniture, making wreaths and putting my energy into crafting instead of bull-whipping the shit out of people. But, I don’t want to talk about work.
Anyway, one of the very popular pins circulating these days involves turning a salvaged window frame into a fabulous picture frame or mirror. Sounds easy enough, right? It pretty much was, except it took a little time to find a salvaged, wooden window than Pinterest had led me to believe. Everyone on Pinterest seemed to have miraculously stumbled upon these windows on the side of the road. The only things I found on the side of the road were McDonald’s cups and dead opossums.
Long story short, I bought a rather large frame from a guy who had several sitting out in his yard. Perhaps he was capitalizing on the latest Pinterest craze and decided to stock up on the stuff. Either way, I was very happy with my window. My hubby and I turned this:
Shabby chic, ammiright?
So anyway, this window-mirror has been mounted in our bedroom since early January. Keep that in mind.
As I was lying in bed the other night, I began to hear a distinct buzzing sound that can only be given off by a flying insect. This, I tell you, is a sure-fire way to get me to panic.
I’m not sure if it is the actual buzzing sound that terrifies me or the suspenseful game of ‘will it sting me or not’ that I get to play each time I hear the noise, but I really don’t like bugs that have the ability to hurt me. It’s a bit embarrassing because I can’t stand for any sort of bee or wasp or other Hell-spawn to get near me, so if one does…well, it ain’t pretty. Once during a staff meeting, a wasp began levitating towards me with that ‘Imma-gonna-getcha’ look and I freaked out. After yelling, “There’s a wasp!” and flipping my chair backwards, I ran out of the conference room swatting at it with my folder while my coworkers looked on in disbelief.
So anyway, hearing the noise in my bedroom didn’t exactly give me the warm and fuzzies. Luckily, my cat swooped into action and tackled the thing to the floor.
“What is that?” I asked my husband who picked it up with a tissue and proceeded to flush it down the toilet.
“Some kind of bee,” he said, as he got into bed and turned on the TV.
Twenty minutes later as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard buzzzzz buzzzzz lingering through the air once more.
“There’s another one in here!” I yelled, as the cat proceeded to go crazy.
“Maybe that other one came back up through the toilet.”
Oh great, just what I needed to hear. After that comment, I wasn’t able to pee without fear that a bee was going to sting my butt…or worse. The good news: nothing came back up from the toilet. The bad news: it was a totally different bee.
I began to worry there was a nest or something in the bedroom, but there wasn’t one to be found. I slept with one eye open that night in case their bee buddies decided to enact vengeance upon me.
The next day, I had nearly forgotten all about my bee-trauma, came home from work and took a hot shower. As I opened the door to the bedroom, I HEARD THE NOISE AGAIN! Then, I saw it. There, on my pillow, was another bee! And then, buzzing in circles above the bed was yet a different bee! And another! And a few more!
I screamed for my husband who started beating them with a shoe. “WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?!” he yelled as he swatted them with a flip-flop.
“They all seem to be coming from the dresser area,” I said, praying we wouldn’t move the dresser to find a large bees’ nest attached to it.
“There’s nothing back here,” he said, putting the dresser back.
We both stood glancing around the room, when I heard buzzzzz buzzzzz. Only this time, we saw no bees.
“Oh my God,” my husband said, staring at our window-mirror. “I think they are in the window.”
Yes. Yes they were. I looked at a hole in the window and saw one of their heads poking out at me. We could hear them moving around in there. Come to find out, they were carpenter bees who had made a home in the window and had been hibernating in it since long before I picked it up. The day they made an appearance was the first warm day of the season.
I had been sleeping in the same room as a hive of carpenter bees for nearly 3 months and I had no idea. If you don’t know what carpenter bees look like, here’s a little visual:
LOOK AT ITS MOUTH! LOOK AT IT!
So, lesson be learned fellow Pinteresters: be weary. All that glitters is not gold. And sometimes that salvaged window you picked up from someone’s lawn is full of bees.
Cabin fever can really mess you up. I would know. Last week, we had a freak snow/ice storm that forced us indoors after we were just getting used to the idea of a warm spring. I was salivating at the idea of breaking out my flip flops and sundresses. I was dying to wear anything other than a chunky sweater, and just when I thought I was in the clear- Old Man Winter waltzed right up and kicked down my door like a dirty bitch.
It wouldn’t have been so bad if we hadn’t previously witnessed what seemed like 15 other snowfalls this season. Snow is a magical and beautiful occurrence that can awaken the inner child in even the most stale adults, but when you’ve been surrounded by it for 90 consecutive days it feels less like fun and more like dying. It begins to feel like the snow will not melt until well into June, and only then will someone find you curled up in a blanket next to a window trying to soak up any sunlight you can manage to see. You can braid the hair on your legs, and your skin has become so pale the rescue workers can literally see through you.
But, we can’t control the weather, so we had no choice. Since my husband and I were held up in the house, we decided we didn’t just want to plop our pasty, sun-deprived bodies in front of another marathon of Criminal Minds. Well, mostly I decided this for us because I had been watching WAY too much Criminal Minds for my own good. I was having horrible dreams involving stabbing deaths and stalkers, and I began to grow paranoid that everyone I had ever met was a serial killer.
The guy who works at the deli? Serial killer. The woman who delivers my mail? Serial killer. My trusted and beloved friend of 14 years? Definitely a serial killer.
So, in favor of keeping what remained of my sanity, I opted for doing something a little different with our snowy night. We…drew an activity from our jar! Yes! We have a jar. We are those kind of people. Well, mostly just me. He would be fine with the couch and his IPad.
The jar is full of slivers of paper that contain ideas of things to do when we…well…can’t think of anything to do. Most of them are simple, like getting ice cream or renting a really bad movie for the sake of making fun of it, but some of them are a little more interesting. It’s the luck of the draw, really. However, we were at a disadvantage because we really couldn’t go anywhere due to the ice, so we had to reject any activities that involved leaving the threshold of our home.
Finally, we settled on a few different activities, and one involved blind-folding the person and feeding them food to make them guess what it was. This is a dangerous game, I tell you. If your partner is particularly mischievous you can end of with a spoonful of mayonnaise when you were hoping for yogurt. Luckily, my husband and I don’t hate each other, so we were nice about the items we chose. I know it may sound sexy- the whole sensually feeding a strawberry to your blindfolded lover thing- but, our experience was more like throwing shards of BBQ Sunchips into the mouth of someone who has turned their blindfold into this:
Don’t be alarmed. He decided to make himself look like a cat ninja using only my sleep-mask and a scarf.
Of course, we also danced together, played scrabble and cooked together. Pasta, not meth. Although that would have made the story more interesting. All-in-all it wasn’t a bad night to be locked indoors.
I’m still glad the snow is gone, though. Any more winter weather and I will look like this:
Do you know how easy it is to start a fight online? Of course you do. Everyone does. The internet is filled with all types of people with all types of opinions, so there is bound to be a moment of discontent from time to time in the comments section of any online article or status update or picture.
Most of the time, you can just state your opinion and wait for the backlash. It doesn’t even have to be anything on a taboo subject. For example, here’s a controversial statement: Bacon is overrated. Now, if I were to say this on a comment board of some sort, Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ can you imagine the horror? I’d probably be called any number of derogatory terms.
Still, sometimes you just can’t help but to get sucked into an argument. It happens so easily- someone says something incredibly moronic and you feel the need to correct their dumb ass. Does it do any good? No. It only splashes gasoline onto the already powerful flames that are engulfing all areas of reason and logic left in the world.
Granted, some people are just looking for a fight. These trolls, or “neckbeards” if you will, are lurking in the underbelly of the internet, waiting for you to say something- anything- just so they can metaphorically spit in your face and call you a “lonely fat ass” or something to that effect. They really just want to ruin your day and are looking for any excuse to argue with you. Each comment they make is evidence of the fact they have no lives outside of their mother’s basement, and each statement they make is made with the utmost enthusiasm. It’s like they have been waiting for your comment their whole lives.
Sometimes, these dwellers have a platform of which they would like to speak. They can turn any innocent statement into a soapbox rant about politics or religion or de-clawing cats. For example, someone writes an article about the record-breaking snowfall of 2014. This is innocent enough on its own, right? It’s just an article stating a fact about the weather.
WRONG! IT’S JUST ANOTHER ATTEMPT AT GOTCHA JOURNALISM REVEALED BY THE LIBERAL MEDIA TRYING TO PUSH THEIR HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA ON THE AMERICAN PUBLIC BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF GUNS AND LIKE TO EUTHANIZE THE ELDERLY!
Or, that’s what the comments will say anyway, and reading them can cause irreversible damage to your brain. One minute, you are reading an article about how chicken nuggets are made, and the next thing you know you have been sucked down an internet rabbit hole after reading some comments mentioning PETA and the war on illegal aliens.
It’s because of this that I often avoid internet debates (I use the term ‘debate’ loosely). I do not have to participate in every argument I am invited to attend, so I just don’t. I especially do not acknowledge trolls because I read somewhere that if you ignore them, they shit themselves. It might not be true, but it’s worth a try.
Despite my lack of interest in internet debating, I occasionally find myself unable to resist the urge to wave my pimp hand strong and slap some sense into these mofos. One such occasion was last night when I was casually browsing Pinterest, per my nightly ritual. I came across this little nugget of humor:
Get it?! It’s funny, right?! You see, because they are talking about a person in a vegetative state, not an actual vegetable! And the person who ate the popsicle didn’t understand the dark nature of the joke at first! Ha! Comedic gold!
Anyway, this thing had about 6 comments from people who just couldn’t understand the punchline of the joke. They were saying they didn’t ‘get it’ and asking if someone could explain it. I’m guessing these people don’t work for NASA.
Just then, a miracle occurred! The cries of the people were answered by a girl of brazen intelligence, who descended from the heavens to deliver the explanation that would set them free from their emotional anguish! She said:
“Mentally retarded people are known as vegetables.” That. That is what she said. Shall we count the things wrong with this sentence? No, we shan’t. But, we can agree this is not the correct response, as being mentally disabled does not automatically warrant a wheelchair. You would need a physical impairment of some sort, would you not? Everyone (I thought) knows that one can be physically disabled without being mentally disabled, and vice versa.
After seeing responses from people who were taking her word as gospel, I became fearful that these misinformed kids were going to unleash their newly-found knowledge onto the world and start using ‘vegetable’ as a socially acceptable term for the mentally impaired after asking them where they parked their wheelchairs. I had to say something. Anything. I thought about explaining the term “vegetative” to her, and letting her know everything that was wrong with what she said, but I knew it was in my best interest to type it as simply as possible, so I replied:
I tried. I really did.
This morning, I awoke to a text message from a close friend of mine that read, “I went to the gym drunk.”
First of all, I did not shame her for this because how in the hell else are we supposed to make exercise fun? Going to the gym drunk is the only way to go in my opinion. Still, this was a statement that needed some elaboration, so I asked, “What?”
“I started to freak out last night about the prospect of growing older. We are getting so old! I mean- our 10-year reunion will be in the next couple of years!”
Ugh. She was right. We are getting old. I feel it too, I just try to suppress my worries of wasted youth with things like antidepressants and wine, which is apparently what she decided to do except she forgot the part about not working out while drunk as to not sweat out said wine.
“I almost fell off the machine. Twice. I guess I was drunker than I thought.”
I was just glad she didn’t fall off the treadmill, as it would have launched her into the wall behind her like a giant, well-oiled sling shot. That probably would have damped her mood further.
I could have tried to convince her she was being silly by saying, ‘Well, getting older is better than the alternative!’ or ’30 is the new 20!’ or some other clever little anecdote. But, I honestly couldn’t bring myself to say anything soothing to her. It was everything I could do not to send her a text back that said, “You are right! The grip of old-age has reached us! We will be dead soon!”
Luckily, I managed not to say that. I just sympathized with her, as I understand how she feels. I’m not even going to touch on the subject of quarter-life crisis again but let’s just say that son-of-a-bitch and I go way back.
“After I got home, I looked in the mirror and started crying because I know I am going to start getting wrinkles soon!” she said.
Obviously, her sense of wrinkle-terror was heightened by the alcohol she had consumed. She doesn’t normally stare at herself in the mirror and cry. I hope.
I could have told her, “Woman, you are a beautiful, smart, successful person. You have a loving husband, a gorgeous house, and a great job. Don’t let such little things bother you. It is a privilege to grow old, and we are doing it gracefully.”
I could have said any of those things to her because all of those things are true. But, I didn’t. I just said, “I KNOW! I HAD TO MARK MYSELF INTO A NEW AGE BRACKET THE OTHER DAY! I’M PRACTICALLY MIDDLE-AGED ACCORDING TO THIS STUPID SURVEY!”
Wasn’t that helpful? I thought so.
Then, I grabbed my coffee. I would have reached for the wine, but it was 7 o’clock in the morning and my dog was in the kitchen with me and she is very judgmental about that sort of thing.
Originally posted on My Amusing Dispositions:
In fact, I have one friend who absolutely refuses to watch a movie unless it has a happy ending. You know those movies where the guy and girl don’t actually end up together? Or the movie where the protagonist dies? Or the one where the kid has to shoot his own dog? She flat-out refuses to give them a moment of her time. I tried to argue with her once, trying to defend these great movies by telling her the endings were more “realistic”. To this, her response was, “Do not misunderstand me. I do not watch movies because I like to be reminded of reality.” Good point.
See, the movies give us false…
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Do you ever just have a brief lapse in judgment where you assume something you are about to declare is common opinion and you actually end up on the unpleasant end of disgusted stares? I hope you have because if not, then my worst fears are confirmed and I am, in fact, the only person to which this happens.
The reason I bring this up is because it seems to happen to me in the most mundane of situations; situations that shouldn’t call for this sort of hoopla. For example, the other night I was having dinner with family and my aunt got all giddy about her favorite sitcom, a little known show called ‘The Big Bang Theory.’
“Did you watch it the other night?!” she asked my mother, who proceeded to agree with her that it was just the sweetest little episode ever. Then, my aunt gushed about how Sheldon actually KISSED his girlfriend, Amy. Naturally, I was confused because I am apparently the only person in America who has never seen a single episode of this show.
“He kissed his girlfriend?” I asked, trying to understand the shock everyone was feeling that should not come from a grown man kissing his girlfriend of two years.
“Yes,” she replied. “It was a long kiss!”
“Why is this a big deal?” I asked. Then, I immediately regretted even asking at all.
“IT’S A BIG DEAL BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER KISSED BEFORE!” she shrieked at me.
“They’ve never kissed before?! And they’ve been dating for two years?!”
“He has a touch phobia,” my mother chimed in. “So they haven’t kissed.”
I decided to ask the question that I assumed everyone else was thinking, but I completely overestimated that idea. “Why are they even together then?”
“Because they share similar interests, they are both smart, they like each other,” my mother sweetly said as if that was going to prevent me from asking any further questions.
“Well…how do they have sex?” I blurted out, honestly curious as to why two people would stay together for two years without any physical contact. Ever.
“THEY DON’T!” my aunt once again shrieked at me.
“Then what’s the point?” I asked laughingly, but no one joined in my laughter. They just looked at me like I had just admitted to being a brazen hussy. Suddenly my aunt, who insists on showing me pictures of the tw0-penised man every time I am near her, was acting rather prudish.
As I looked around at them staring at me in disbelief, I started to recap what I had just said. I had pretty much just admitted to my family that to me, relationships were pointless without sexual gratification being involved. Yes, not my wisest move, but Jesus Tap-dancing Christ you would have thought I just told them I liked to dropkick puppies for fun. Even my cousin appeared to be shocked by my comment and didn’t seem to find it funny, and she just had a baby so I happen to know for a fact she puts out. I mean, she’s married and whatnot, but still.
“Well, you don’t watch the show!” she yelled. “So, you don’t really understand!” I was expecting her to slap me in the face and scream, “HOW DARE YOU QUESTION SHELDON COOPER! BE GONE WITH YOU, WHORE!”
My comment had officially lulled the room to silence, and an awkward pause lingered for a bit. Eventually, my aunt got distracted by a cat video and we all moved on, but it was certainly uncomfortable for a moment. I resisted the urge to follow-up my comment with “Yeah, you heard me. I am a grown-ass woman!” But, I managed to stifle it.
In honor of my little brother’s 21st birthday, I thought I would share some fun facts about him. And yes, that is a hungry cat on his shoulder trying to steal his sandwich.
Here we go:
1. He shares a birthday with Abraham Lincoln, or should I say “Baberham Lincoln.” Sexy beast, he was.
2. My stepfather once asked him to back the family car up to get it out of the way, and he instead drove it forward into the living room. The wall is still cattywampus to this day.
3. A man, who I suspect was a schizophrenic, approached him at a Guitar Center once and demanded that he tell him he liked his hair. And then his shirt.
4. He was a drummer in a band, but he can also play the guitar, the bass, and the keytar. Ok, I made that last one up. Do they even make those anymore?
5. He owns a banjo. This does not help the stereotype of our locale.
6. In Germany, a local woman started conversing with him in German. When he politely told her, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m American,” she replied with “Oh, I didn’t realize. You didn’t seem American. You weren’t acting like an asshole.”
7. Out of all the grandchildren, he is the baby.
8. When he was little, he had a speech impediment that caused him to say his “R’s” like “L’s”. It was adorable because he would say things like, ‘I’m scaled’ instead of ‘I’m scared’. Also, one of his good friends was named Pierce and he pronounced his name ‘Pills’. Of course, it’s gone now. Dammit.
9. When he was tiny, I pretended to die to freak him out and he called 911 for real. I felt bad because he was upset and crying. I think he still remembers this as one of his most traumatic childhood experiences.
10. As children, I made him eat soap. When my mother came in and saw what I had done, she said, “Well, great. Now he’s going to die.” I burst into hysterics and she said, “Calm down, I’m just kidding. But that will teach you to make him eat soap again.”
Happy 21st! It’s all downhill from here!